Being Alone

Alarm Clock . . .

 

Life got in the way of my life

it continued to take place even though I wasn’t ready

it kept moving along while I was distracted

while I was ignoring and denying it.

Life moved forward unconcerned

and I got older

not looking at yourself doesn’t prevent it

not acknowledging it doesn’t change what has happened.

 

While I was brushing my teeth and shaving

my hair turned grey.

When I was at the grocery store and the gas station

my body began to break down.

I aged while doing the dishes and vacuuming and while the washer was running,

while I was surfing online and writing emails, my youth ended.

 

You were out, meeting new people, learning how to socialize,

I was at home, reading about ancient cultures.

You went out on dates, learned about yourself and about others,

I was watching PBS specials about cathedrals.

You had meaningful relationships

you experienced love and were important in someone else’s life;

I was listening to Sun Ra and Elmore James, while folding my shirts.

 

You traveled, went to concerts and sporting events

created memories with a circle of close friends;

I did some yoga and went for a jog, came home and went to bed.

 

Why didn’t anyone warn me

why wasn’t someone there to save me

now I have nothing.

You’re buying rings and getting married,

I’m wondering why I don’t have any friends

and how to make them, I don’t have the energy to be normal.

 

All of my decisions have been wrong

they led me astray

they were wrong

they have to be, because my present is so sad

and it grew from those decisions, one after another

I have nothing, I know no one, barely myself

my window has closed, it’s too late to start this game

I’m a generation too late.

I’ve lost, I was wrong, so wrong, so sad, what do I do now

it was so wrong

all of it, everything, everyone,

just nothing, until when.

Nothing, nothing, nothing

beeping like an alarm clock in my head.

 

This must be it then, this, this is what it’s going to be like

just me, just some words, just some thoughts;

no spouse, no friend, nothing to take pride in

just nothing

beeping like an alarm clock in my head

I am nothing, I have nothing, it’s all nothing.

 

 

 

Ponder