Relapse

Brandon Beckelheimer:  My Thoughts Before Relapse

 "Meth.

No. NO. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Don't even think that word. I am a month clean. I'm doing so well. But I'm doing so fucking bad. Every moment is agonizingly long. It's like waiting for this second to just end already so I can proceed to the next second and beg for that one to be over. This pain. Where the hell is it coming from? WHERE THE HELL EVEN IS THE PAIN? WHERE IN MY BODY IS IT LOCATED? AM I JUST "PAIN"? THAT'S IT??

 

I'll just talk a walk and listen to music

take a walk and listen to music

listen to music take a walk

listen to music.

Oh fuck this shit again

again fuck again this shit again.

OK just stop repeating words

stop repeating just repeating

stop OK just stop repeating words.

There's no need to repeat words

there's need words repeat

words no need words no need to repeat words need to repeat words need words words

WHY DOESN'T MY HEAD MAKE SENSE?

HEAD MAKE SENSE?

WHY DOESN'T MY WHY DOESN'T MY HEAD MAKE

HEAD MAKE SENSE SENSE

WHY CAN'T I CONTROL MYSELF

WHY CAN'T CONTROL

MYSELF CAN'T I

I MYSELF

CONTROL MYSELF

NO. I'M NOT MY THOUGHTS. I JUST NEED TO OBSERVE THEM AND LET THEM GO.

LET THEM GO.

OBSERVE THEM LET THEM GO

NEED TO OBSERVE THEM LET THEM GO

I JUST NEED TO OBSERVE

FUCK STOP. STOP. FUCK. STOP.

FUCK STOP FUCK.

I NEED CONTROL.

I WANT TO CONTROL MY HEAD.

METH.

METH.

YOU'RE A MONTH CLEAN

MONTH CLEAN YOU'RE A CLEAN METH MONTH CLEAN

*buys meth*

'I found a liquid cure

For my landlocked blues

It'll pass away

Like a slow parade

It's leaving but

I don't know where to'