Brandon Beckelheimer: My Thoughts Before Relapse
No. NO. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Don't even think that word. I am a month clean. I'm doing so well. But I'm doing so fucking bad. Every moment is agonizingly long. It's like waiting for this second to just end already so I can proceed to the next second and beg for that one to be over. This pain. Where the hell is it coming from? WHERE THE HELL EVEN IS THE PAIN? WHERE IN MY BODY IS IT LOCATED? AM I JUST "PAIN"? THAT'S IT??
I'll just talk a walk and listen to music
take a walk and listen to music
listen to music take a walk
listen to music.
Oh fuck this shit again
again fuck again this shit again.
OK just stop repeating words
stop repeating just repeating
stop OK just stop repeating words.
There's no need to repeat words
there's need words repeat
words no need words no need to repeat words need to repeat words need words words
WHY DOESN'T MY HEAD MAKE SENSE?
HEAD MAKE SENSE?
WHY DOESN'T MY WHY DOESN'T MY HEAD MAKE
HEAD MAKE SENSE SENSE
WHY CAN'T I CONTROL MYSELF
WHY CAN'T CONTROL
MYSELF CAN'T I
NO. I'M NOT MY THOUGHTS. I JUST NEED TO OBSERVE THEM AND LET THEM GO.
LET THEM GO.
OBSERVE THEM LET THEM GO
NEED TO OBSERVE THEM LET THEM GO
I JUST NEED TO OBSERVE
FUCK STOP. STOP. FUCK. STOP.
FUCK STOP FUCK.
I NEED CONTROL.
I WANT TO CONTROL MY HEAD.
YOU'RE A MONTH CLEAN
MONTH CLEAN YOU'RE A CLEAN METH MONTH CLEAN
'I found a liquid cure
For my landlocked blues
It'll pass away
Like a slow parade
It's leaving but
I don't know where to'