Alarm Clock . . .
Life got in the way of my life
it continued to take place even though I wasn’t ready
it kept moving along while I was distracted
while I was ignoring and denying it.
Life moved forward unconcerned
and I got older
not looking at yourself doesn’t prevent it
not acknowledging it doesn’t change what has happened.
While I was brushing my teeth and shaving
my hair turned grey.
When I was at the grocery store and the gas station
my body began to break down.
I aged while doing the dishes and vacuuming and while the washer was running,
while I was surfing online and writing emails, my youth ended.
You were out, meeting new people, learning how to socialize,
I was at home, reading about ancient cultures.
You went out on dates, learned about yourself and about others,
I was watching PBS specials about cathedrals.
You had meaningful relationships
you experienced love and were important in someone else’s life;
I was listening to Sun Ra and Elmore James, while folding my shirts.
You traveled, went to concerts and sporting events
created memories with a circle of close friends;
I did some yoga and went for a jog, came home and went to bed.
Why didn’t anyone warn me
why wasn’t someone there to save me
now I have nothing.
You’re buying rings and getting married,
I’m wondering why I don’t have any friends
and how to make them, I don’t have the energy to be normal.
All of my decisions have been wrong
they led me astray
they were wrong
they have to be, because my present is so sad
and it grew from those decisions, one after another
I have nothing, I know no one, barely myself
my window has closed, it’s too late to start this game
I’m a generation too late.
I’ve lost, I was wrong, so wrong, so sad, what do I do now
it was so wrong
all of it, everything, everyone,
just nothing, until when.
Nothing, nothing, nothing
beeping like an alarm clock in my head.
This must be it then, this, this is what it’s going to be like
just me, just some words, just some thoughts;
no spouse, no friend, nothing to take pride in
beeping like an alarm clock in my head
I am nothing, I have nothing, it’s all nothing.